OMG I am so busy I feel like I am and have been living in a vacuum much of this year.

The job is going well, but it has been nearly all consuming, and is continuing to bleed me of having any semblance of a life.  Granted, I knew this was going to be the outcome of the promotion I had gotten earlier this year, and the workload I'm dealing with should ease up significantly in the next month or so, but, the cost to me much this year has felt like social isolation.

Not to say life is bad, but I'd really like to get back to where I was last year.  When I had ~time~ and everyone in my life had ~time~.  Man, that ~time~ thing can be elusive, especially when you wish you had more.  It seems that so much is going on (which it is), and schedules are so conflicted, that finding quiet time with the Vixen and even managing a lunch with a friend is proving exceeding difficult.

Its peculiar, a few years back I would have never noticed the drain on myself of not having contact with people, well, I suppose because I didn't have much contact with people.

Now, all is not bad, I was on vacation last week (an extended family included vacation).  It went well, fun was had, but, really not much time that didn't include EVERYONE.  The upcoming vacation should be much more vacation like, and although exceeding busy at work, I'm hoping to be able to wind down for that week and relax...

As far as work goes, I've got some big things to pull off before my vacation, and its gonna be tight, but that should take a fair share of the pressure off the project.

Home life is equally busy, the Vixen and I are doing some extensive landscaping, ok, much of the work we are having done, but, I have work in progress that I need to complete before the contractor can continue, yes, another major project that much be completed before vacation, assuming the weather holds, I hope to have my part of the landscaping out of the way by the end of this coming weekend.

So, my life in the vacuum.  Sucked into huge time critical project at work eating up any free time I had at work, you know, things like lunches and breaks, time to think.  Big projects at home eating up my time after work, you know, get home from work, bust my ass in the yard.  I really need some of this stuff to slow down, and yeah, its coming, but, well, its not here yet.

And yeah, I still know I need to find time to post, I have thoughts to post, just not the time.  Really didn't have the time for this, but I took it anyways, I think I need to just take the time.

Must blog, must blog, must blog.

Odd things have happened since my recent extended absence from LJ.  Perhaps "odd" really isn't the right word, but I'm not going to analyze my choice of wording right now.

Sure, I've been poked and prodded to make some entries, and although that serves to be a great (and appreciated) reminder, it however is not inspiring (much like being told to pick up a mess you are busy ignoring).  Inspiration comes from Living life, seems something I've not been doing much of lately, for the most part I'm finding I've somehow been on automatic pilot.

Now, being on automatic pilot is not such a bad thing, works pretty well for airline pilots, but then again, eventually someone has to land the plane, you know, before you just fall out of the sky and crash and burn.  Well, I've been on automatic pilot before, and the crashing and burning pretty much seems to manifest itself in a an ever tightening circle of monotony that gets harder and harder to break free from.  I have commented much on people that are the walking dead in their relationships with their SO's.  A place I've been and have no intention to return to.

Much of what made me realize that the Vixen and I had started again to slip into the routine of life, was a sweet comment by her last evening, of all things, she thanked me for cuddling with her.  WTF, has it really been that long??  I suppose it is reasonably possible as I can't really finger the last evening we cuddled, could it really have been that long, I find I don't know.

Anyways, whats this really have to do with journaling....well, for me, it points out that journaling gives me awareness.  Awareness of the people around me are important in my life.  Obviously that includes the Vixen, but, stopping here a moment to write a bit, make me realize that my lack of awareness has separated me from pretty much all my relationships, my friends I get to actually see, my friends here on LJ, the friends I have that I would very much like to meet, and slightly less obvious, the friends I have not made yet.

Social contact is clearly the key to having a life.  Granted, I need my job (which is going to be way to busy for some time to come) to keep having a life, but, I need to again become aware of the intrinsic value of having people close to me in my life.

To all of you that feel 'dissed' by my absence, here, or those I get to actually see, my apologies.

MUST journal, MUST see people, MUST have a life again, MUST be aware...

I know - looks like I disappeared - not quite however.

***

It has been a long painful spring so far in my life, and please don't construe that to mean there is anything wrong in my life, quite the opposite in fact.

Many many good things have come to pass, but seemingly at the expense of 'time' that I had previously.

The problem coworker mentioned on occasion has been effectively neutralized by my Promotion earlier this year at work.  Numerous job related events have seemingly conspired to sap me of any loose time at work.  And for whatever reason, this spring has magically been far busier outside of work than ever anticipated.

Things are not looking to slow down anytime soon, but, hopefully they can be forced into some sort of reasonable flow as opposed to a random onslaught of change.

I have an enormous project at work, which is going to take an extended period of time, and thats all well and good, that for the most part is something that will be able to be planned and managed.

A busy summer vacation schedule, but then again, that is pretty much a known quantity, other that a couple odds and ends days to be taken.

I will have 'people' at my disposal shorty, this obviously will be a complicating factor until I can establish exactly what they are capable of.

And a number of significant efforts to be taken at work, but, then again, no emergencies here, hopefully it will just remain a planning and execution issue to work with.

Short term we have had a relative staying with us at our home until he and his family get relocated to our area, so far, he is finding this a great place to be, and we hope their final move goes slowly for them.

I still spend what little free time I've had contemplating the nature of relationships, but have obviously not had enough free time to make any comments.

And that itself is a very good point.  Given time is not a renewable resource, and the fact that even with yourself you have a relationship.  It is a must do to pay attention to your own needs as well as the needs of those around you.

I have been latent in investing in both myself, and those around me as of late, and even though a result of big changes at work, I need to get my life rebalanced.  Not only am I missing the social interaction (outside of work), I fear many of those around me may feel I have all but disappeared.

I have been pressed on multiple fronts to return to posting, and this is something I NEED to do, but for myself.

I had hoped this past week I would have been able to find some time to write, but, as it turns out it was not meant to be.  I've just returned from a 4 day business trip (should have been some free time) related to the project at work, and well, my time out of town was pretty much, wake up, office/meetings/lunch, late dinners/work discussions, and sleep.

All work and no play is no way to have a life, because, really, life is all about people.

~feeling unplugged~

Just returned last night from dropping the Vixen and the rest of our family off, so the Vixen could spend time with her family for a week.

In a most bizarre twist the Vixen and I confirmed the same unusual feelings we were both having at the same time while staying at her parents.  We could both physically feel the pressure of all the drama that exists there, and it was quite oppressive actually, it felt like our world was actually shrinking - really really strange.

We have always felt some discomfort being there with all the drama that is perpetuated, but, physically feeling its presence was something entirely new.  Obviously the Vixen and I have gone through a lot of changes in the past year and a half or so, but, something like this I never anticipated.

As I drove further home, I could feel this 'weight' being lifted from me, but, I will remain concerned for how the Vixen survives an entire week under the 'influence' as it may be.  With all the perpetual drama its going to be a tough haul, is usually is, still, I'm sure she will need a vacation from her vacation when I return to collect my family and escape back to reality as we know it.

On other notes:

On the family drama note, I can't remember if I ever posted a follow up on the relative dealing with the cancer, obviously he is not well, but, the situation is improving (per his latest detailed checkup), and his chemo treatments only knock him down for a day or two.  Also, not only has he stopped losing weight, he has recently put 8lbs on, he looks really really good (not at all like someone undergoing treatment for cancer).

I have 3 days to myself - how in the world can they possible be this busy I'll never know - I need a vacation myself clearly this isn't going to be it.

No, not what you might think today, but still, I have gone out on quite a limb with this one.

I have, of all things, purchased a guitar which I should have in my still mitten covered fingers by the end of the week.  Do I play guitar - not on your life.  Do I want to play guitar - YOU BET, for a million years in fact.

So, my oldest, and myself will endeavor to lean how and successfully play guitar.  I figure, with both of us learning, there is a better chance of success as there will be a little pressure.  I don't have tons of time to allot to this, but I'm willing to make a dedicated effort, including lessons for both the oldest and myself.

The commitment to learn won't start for a couple of weeks at least - we have travel plans that will prevent scheduling any lessons until that time.  I will however manage to find a way to create some sort of bad habit with the guitar prior to my first lesson that I will need to be broken of.

Of course, the first exciting thing will no doubt be tuning the darn thing (I almost have a clue and thankfully I can follow directions), the problem here is going to be that 1) I know what sounds good 2) I know what sounds bad 3) I'm not much for judging "sounds exactly the same".  But, I assure I will cheat here.

On the other hand, I surely purchased more guitar than I NEED.  I did not purchase the end-all-be-all of guitars.  But, I purchased one with all the features I would love to learn how to use (well).  So, I don't expect to be in the market for another guitar anytime soon.....  But, I will be offering up as 'bait' my new guitar to my oldest if he can indeed learn how to play as well.  So, ya never know, he will probably learn much faster than me anyways.

OK, truth be told, I played guitar briefly a million years ago, seriously disliked the instructor so it didn't last long.  My oldest has a guitar, took some lessons a year ago (don't think he was ready), but he has been chomping on the bit for a few months now to start lessons again.

So, by this commitment, I will learn something here, I just hope that it is how to play guitar, and not just how just make some (very bad) noise.

Ok, so just exactly where are the boundaries anyways.  (the following is obviously the short and accelerated list)


Some places, women cannot associate with or be seen in the company of men, and are required to be completely covered sans their eyes, and are not to be seen unaccompanied.

Some people prohibit their SO's from speaking to others of the oppisite sex.

Some people prohibit their SO's from phyical contact with the oppisite sex (lets say a hug).

Some people prohibit their SO's from physical contact with the opposite sex (lets say a social kiss).

For some the hug is ok.

For some the kiss is ok.

Some of us have open relationships (of the honest variety).


Not really asking where, obviously they are quite fluid, and clearly many of us have moved them to one end of the spectrum.  I've thought about this for some time, and all that really ever occurs to me is that people for the most part are insecure (varying degrees) and refuse to do anything about it.

Obviously the levels of acceptance vary greatly but W T F.  Are relationships really run by Insecurity (rhetorical)?  Why, why, why.  Why in the world would anyone want a relationship based on insecurity, how absurd is that.  Ok, the entrance fee to overcome insecurities is pretty high, you know, Truth, Honesty, Respect, ..., but come on here, is that really such an outlandish thought that relationships should be based on Truth, Honesty, Respect, and the like.

I occasionally mention my (girl)friends in my neighborhood, and the depths of the relationships I have with some of the women of those couples I would classify as intimate (not that intimate), but, I know things about some of them that their husbands will never know (after all, I am just one of the girls when I get to hang out with them).  I mean really, when you hear things like "he would be so mad if he ever knew....", "I could never tell him...", and on and on and on.  How crazy is that?

I am certainly not saying everyone needs to run out and open their lives to open relationships and polyamory, but, cripes, when you can't even have an open relationship with your SO, W T F.  I'll never compromise any of my neighborhood girlfriends (or anyone for that matter) of either their boundaries or their secrets.  But it makes me sad to think that this is no doubt the norm in the population at large, no wonder so many relationships are not quite what they appear to be on the surface.

And when you really think about it, isn't having an honest open conversation the most intimate thing you can do/have with someone else.  And really, don't you need to face your own insecurities before you can be honest with anyone else.  Then there is of course the tricky and scary part after you know yourself, you know, sharing You with your SO, or anyone else.

Now

This moment, Right Now, and again, not the right now i just mentioned but this Right Now.  Is ALL that ever exists.

I've thought a lot about time, and what was, and what may be, and even though I've previously indirectly concluded that Right Now is all that exists, the obvious fact is that all of the potential of those Right Now moments are solely within each of us to control.

It clicked the other day when I was flipping though a book the Vixen has just finished reading (Title escapes me at the moment), and there were some other obvious things stated that I overviewed, that until you realize them, or see them written, you are really ever aware of them.

What you Do, Think, Feel, How you, Act, Respond, React, it is all up to you in each and every single moment.

This was reinforced when I was reading the most recent post in another blog I follow, and have mentioned before.

So, what are you going to do with your NOW's, the only reality that exists (the past is gone, the future isn’t here yet).  For you to have what you want, manifest if you will, each Now momenta requires you to take Action, consistent direct action.  The results may or may not be instant, but, without action, you are not controlling the outcome of your life.

Well, given the nature of my Blog, just what the hell does that have to do with relationships.  First I'll offer that if you can't connect the dots, you arent very (ok very might be the wrong work), how about effectively connected to your relationships.  And don't forget the most important relationship you have it the relationship you have with yourself.

So, for years the Vixen and my relationship had fallen into disrepair, sure, we both hold our own shares of those prior faults, it clearly just never occurred to us back in those darker days, that all we needed to do was Act on What  We Really Wanted (not what was going on around us).  Of course, by happenstance it came to pass, shortly followed by both of us realizing that this is all something that can be controlled, or rather as it actually is, not controlled.

To quote (god forbid) Star Trek TNG, "Resistance if Futile".  The more you resist (whatever it is) the more pressing and distracting it will be, and denying yourself of what you need and who you are.  The obvious problem here is the Relationship You have with Yourself, You have to figure out what You Need, Want, are Avoiding, and take action, Responsibly and Honestly, with Respect.  You have to find the Flow in You, because that is where it exists.  The more you resist whatever it is, the more pressing that issue will be.  And the results of fighting the Flow, can easily become all that is threatening, Fear, Resentment, Jealousy, Insecurity, we all know the drill in what goes wrong in relationships.  If you aren't facing it, you are ignoring it and fighting the natrual Flow in You, keeping you from...what...in the end, its Yourself, and then no doubt, that internal drama Manifests itself in unpleasant ways.

***

So, I got taken to task recently over my last post.

Ok, fair enough, what I heard was that I'm looking for someone new to date, not true, and I suppose true as well.  But, that post was more of the wake up call to myself (journaling is awesome for this crap isn't it) that I need more contact with more people in my life.  That post however was not a slam on the people and friends I have now, nor a solicitation for a date, just that I have space for more friends.  And in such, I realized, I need to take action to have that....Friends.  Who knows where those potential friendships may go, that can certainly not be determined at the onset of a friendship.  I would like more people in my life whom I actually consider my Friends, which in my reality, a big step beyond casual acquaintances.

So, what am I doing with this moment to find Friends...not much...as clearly I've been writing, but, writing is what I Needed to do with this Right Now moment.  I just have to act on what my needs are, and yes not in a selfish way, but in a respectful, open, honest way.

Out of time for now, but probably a good thing as I'm clearly starting to ramble on.

***

I wrote most of the above yesterday, and had hoped to continue it today but have lost much of my train of thought.

Anyways, The Lovely Vixen and myself had a great chat last night, and we are both so glad for "where" we are now.  Its so much easier, we are both so much more at ease with each other than ever before.  Pretty much everyone we know is fighting the Flow in their own lives, burying their realities to keep whatever image it is they think they need to keep.  The Vixen and I have well learned that that is not a very effective strategy for Great Relationships.  Still, The Vixen and I are not "out" with those friends of ours, we may never be, we like them, and well, we don't want to upset their apple carts.

...The more they stay the same.

OK, nothing wrong with the same, especially where the Vixen is concerned.  But, I sit here contemplating about all that has changed, and how all of it is much the same.

So, I recap in my mind, my recent life, ok, going a bit back.

Crappy Life
Self Realizations
Great Life
Awesome Reconnection with the Vixen
Poly Feelings Confessions with the Vixen
Awesome Discussions with the Vixen
a GF
More Great Times with the Vixen
no GF (still BFF)
Still Great Times with the Vixen
Still Poly/Open/In Love and Like with the Vixen

Sooooo, what in the world do I possibly have to whine about.  Well, I suppose there isn't much, especially after chit-chats with the Vixen about the lives of oh-so-many people we know.  Cripes, the Vixen and I have a Great Life, we both get to be who we are, we communicate like we never have in our life, but, even the Vixen too has brought up on occasion that there needs to be *new* to keep life, well, *new*.

Now...those statements were not construed to mean that I should run out and get a new GF or that she need to run out and find a BF, just that (in my opinion) that our life is so routine, and we do so much together, and we don't get out a whole lot, that we both pretty much know everything about everything because there is not a lot of *new* going on.

HMPH!!

My lament...is ME.  Yeah me, I've commented on me before, and although much of my life has changed for things so much better I can barely imagine it to be true, what I find is that, well, I'm still me.  That "me" I still am, is shy (until I know someone), an Introvert (not likely going to change). and basically have an unnatural fear about meeting anyone new (but I mask it really really well in social situations).

So, I've commented on *new* in the past, and most *new* comes from interacting with people (not saying the Vixen and I don't do new stuff together here) but, both the Vixen and I clearly need to 1) do new things together 2) find ways to see our existing friends more (alone and together), and 3) find more friends alone and together.   And if at some point *new* friends have potential of being greater than ~vanilla~ friends, well, that’s ok too.

So, I contemplate new friends and well, there is me, stopping me.  Well, so, I’ve mentioned, I don't have many guy friends, and that really I don't even find guys that socially interesting anyways - they generally turn out to be pretty insecure when you dig at all or have, well, guy interests, covered before my interests in all things girly too.

And well then what.  So, what here I muster up some courage and meet someone (OK, meet girls, lets face the facts here), and find some new friend(s) for the Vixen and I.  Sounds fun and exciting on the surface here, but remember, we are talking about ummmm, me here.

So, what then, is that a ~date~ then???  I dunno.  First off, pretty much here I would be looking for friends that happened to be women (all my real friends are women now - most of their SO's I wouldn't miss socially - you know, their men).  Obviously I would (as anyone) look for friends who are a social fit, OK.....so now I'm looking for friends that are 1) Women 2) In no way want to separate me from the Vixen 3) Open Minded 4) Like me 5) Like the Vixen 6) Might like to golf (the only sport I play) 7) Are Genuine 8) Poly Friendly  - Yeah, I could go on an on and on, but basically the obvious, you know, we all want to know people like ourselves.

Anyways, so, what’s it called, when you (try or actually) meet someone, who aligns with your life/values/beliefs, and your sole intent is not that of getting in their pants - just to be crass.  I mean, lets face it, all of my friends are well...girls...and my relationships with my current girlfriends will NEVER be anything more than platonic however personal those relationships are.  So what is it then, if it’s not Dating??

(man I’m running long here)

So, maybe not really as complex as I'm making it out to be.  I do know how and where to find poly friendly people that include women Duh.  Cripes, there is LJ and other online options, and there is even at least 2 Poly groups in my area - of course, I'm too chicken to go even if there was time.  But, I would have to reason, anyone poly familiar would be much more comfortable with the lets meet and chat and perhaps we could be friends plan, as opposed to turning into a 'date' and all.

Just don't know what to call it, and lamenting my insecurities about meeting people.  Yeah, I know better, I should make an effort to meet people.

Pretty much just blathering, but, even still, the Vixen and I have friends, more certainly could not hurt.

Free - Yup.

Ok, I'm not one to put advertising in my blog (not even sure if its allowed).  Besides, I'll get nothing if you chase this link.  I was reading on another blog I enjoy very much StevePavlina.com (I've mentioned before), and had an advertisement appear.  Now, I know this blog well enough to know that crap pretty much never appears there, so I followed the link.

Until March 31st you can get a free E-Book on Manifestation, if you are familiar with The Secret (which I've also mentioned before, you know what I'm talking about.  Anyways, I downloaded it, its a two step processes, 1) request it 2) confirm the initial email.  Then is gets sent in a matter of minutes.  I got it, its a 65 page e-book, I've perused it, and so far it looks like a pretty good synopsis of much of the other reading I do.

So, if you like me have interest in The Secret / Manifestation I would suggest you go get it, yeah, its free like I said till March 31st, and I'm not getting anything for the referral.  I'm also going to have to take a few minutes to peruse the website too, I like this kind of stuff, and yes, I believe in it.

The Link to the Free E-Book The Principles of Successful Manifesting

Hope everyone is doing Great, and amazingly I do have a new post actually in progress, but given its Friday, I probably won't get it wrapped up till next week sometime.